When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is