As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
How to properly lift a body
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: