if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.