˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
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Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Body by cheese-puffs.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month