I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t