The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
new wife guy just dropped
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩