I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”