My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.