welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
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21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.