I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about