October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.