dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Somebody’s lying.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.