[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Not messing around
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table