People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
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Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’d use my best pan on you.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.