My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Guys, I found it.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.