Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
You Might Also Like
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]