TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.