Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Mornin
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.