me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
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This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
This came to me in a dream.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]