I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
concern
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Love it! 👍😂
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer