Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My dad is at it again
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.