I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing