ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
This pepper has seen some shit
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.