Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Does beer think about me too?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.