A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
You Might Also Like
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry