If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
You Might Also Like
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN