H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
I think we should hear other voices.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.