*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off