I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The Backseat Boys
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.