Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Its a hippotatomus
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?