[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.