Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You Might Also Like
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k