If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
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If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them