Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Try and stop me.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.