All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
✌🏽
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.