Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?