Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
🤣dope
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”