Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
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A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
notice
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first