Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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Does beer think about me too?
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
This kid is a star!
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here