“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.