This week’s mood.
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.