My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.