A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
That’s a good costume, I hope.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
No. YOU-buprofen.