cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.