Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people