My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
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3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Sooo many times…..
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign