[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”