Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
mariah carrie
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.