a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Every. Damn. Time.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.