I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Vodka burrito was a success
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!